Sunday, July 20, 2008

The Killing Joke

Okay, so The Sailing just got back from playing a couple of shows in Chicago, Illinois & Bloomington, Indiana. On the night of the show in Chicago, Batman: The Dark Knight came out in theaters. So after the show, we (and a few of our friends) went to go see it at this massive fucking theater (AMC). Anyway, while we were waiting in line, James and I made a joke about Heath Ledger. We called him Heath Dead-ger.

Because he's dead. And "dead" rhymes with "Led."

This remark sparked a debate about the...crudeness, I guess, of making a joke like that. 'Cause, I mean, his death was pretty untimely and accidental, and it wasn't like he was this big asshole or anything. I mean, I guess he might have been, but I don't know for sure, ya know? My point is that I don't think that making jokes about dead people should be such a horrible thing.

Everybody dies. That's why it's funny. Like, no matter what, you are going to fucking die and there is literally nothing that you can do about it. And that's hilarious. But, for some reason, over the bagillion years that humans have existed, death is almost always looked at in a very solemn and serious way. So even though everyone knows it's gonna happen, it's still so fucking awful when someone dies.

Death is a lot like masturbation. Everyone does it, yet almost no one feels comfortable talking about it.

Here's the deal: If my mom died and within the first year of her death someone made a crude joke to me about her being dead, I would probably want to beat the fuck out of them. Because that's fucking rude and inconsiderate of my feelings. But, if someone wanted to make a joke to someone else about my mom being dead, more power to them. I mean, they didn't know her so why should they care? Yeah, it's crude, but it's not hurting anyone. And after I get over my mom's death (unless she died in, like, a really fucked up way, like she was tortured or something), I feel like I should be able to make a joke about it. I mean, I wouldn't just "laugh 'cause my mom's dead," but like, suppose something like this happens:

Some dumb girl: God, my mom is such a stupid fucking bitch!

Me: Yeah, well my mom's dead!

That'd be fucking hilarious. Not necessarily because my mom's dead, but because I'd totally make that unappreciative dumb girl feel like a complete douchebag. And that's funny. Granted, it would be at the expense of my mom's death, but I don't think she'd mind. I mean, if you're an atheist, why would you care about making fun of Heath Ledger's death? He's dead and gone forever. No spirit, no nothing. Dead. Removed. But, what if you're not an atheist? Suppose you're a Christian, even a good Christian. Heath Ledger just had something happen to him that is inevitably going to happen to every other creature on Earth for the rest of Earth's existence. And now he's in an afterlife, maybe even livin' it up in Heaven. Do you really think that he'd be upset if you called him Heath Deadger? I don't think so.

Look - I'm not gonna call up his mom or ex-girlfriend or whatever on the phone and say, "Hey. Heath Deadger." That'd be rude and inconsiderate. But, I honestly just don't think that making a dead joke about some guy to people that are totally removed from said guy is a bad thing. Crass? Sure. But, crass is funny if done well. And Heath Deadger is pretty fucking funny if you ask me.

BTW - Batman: The Dark Knight was pretty cool. I mean, I hate Christian Bale and I especially hate his "Batman voice," and Hans Zimmer's score was terrible, and there was some really gay CSI-esque bullshit, and at times the direction made me feel like I was watching a really long movie trailer, but the action was pretty cool. And honestly, Heath Ledger's performance was fucking incredible. Like, every time he was on screen, the movie became awesome. He made The Joker fucking terrifying and incredible. It was an excellent final acting performance. And I'm being serious.

Dead serious.

Monday, March 31, 2008

Cell Phone Mystery

I realized after typing this blog up, that the story sort of fades in and out of past and present tense. Sorry.

All right, so the other day Nicholena and I were at a Target store. It was almost closing time, so we hurried up and paid and left. But, when we got outside into the parking lot, I noticed a very high-tech looking device lying on the ground. So, I walked over to it, and lo and behold, it is a cell phone. Like, a really fucking nice cell phone.

I'm not supercellphonesavvy, so I don't really know what kind it was. It was from Sprint. And it read "Palm" on the front-ish. Palm Sprint? That sounds familiar, but I dunno shit... It looked kinda like a "Blackberry" phone...kinda...

Anyway, it was fuckin' nice. So, I pressed a key and...voila! It worked! And I thought, "Damn. This sucks for the person who lost this thing." But, there was no one around to ask about it, so I took it. And I decided that I was going to try and figure out to whom this cell phone belonged.

But, that's pretty tricky when all you have to go by is a cell phone. So, I thought, "Well, I'll just call someone from their address book and ask 'em about the owner." Easier said than done. Whoever owned this phone basically knew everyone on the fucking planet. They had the most ridiculous amount of contacts I had ever seen. Lots of businesses too. And a whole lot of non-937 area codes. So, I was like, "Shit. A lot of these people might only barely know who this person is." But, then I got an idea.

"I'll just browse through the infinite list of contacts until I find a common last name. Because then I might be able to assume that they are family members and they would surely help out." So I perused until I found the last name "Bain" a whole bunch. So I called (actually, Nicholena called because I was too scared lol) a Todd Bain. Todd's picture came up when the number was dialed and he looked about 14, maybe 15 years old. Blonde. White.

Anyway, Todd never picks up, so Nicholena leaves a message explaining everything. But, amidst her message, the phone rings. The number comes up, but no name is attached to it. So Nicholena answers:

"Hello?" she asks.
"Sherry?" a male voice responds.
"Actually, no this isn't Sherry. I just found this phone in a parking lot and I'm trying to find the owner," Nicholena explains.
"Oh," says the man. "Well, this is Sherry Bain's phone." (I totally got the last name thing right!)
"Oh, okay. Well, do you know her?" asks Nicholena, somewhat stupidly.
"Uh, yeah," the man responds, in an arrogant tone. "I'm her boyfriend."
"Oh, okay! Great!" Nicholena enthusiastically replies. "Then, you'll probably see her soon. Can you tell her we have her phone?"
"Yeah, actually, I'll just call her at home and let her know," says the man. (I believe he also said that he works with her and that he could just tell her at work the next day.)
"Okay, have her call me on my cell phone," Nicholena said. "My number is..."
(Nicholena then gives her number to the man. They say goodbye and hang up.)

But, then, about a minute later (2 minutes max), Sherry's phone rings. Nicholena picks up the phone, looks at it, and it reads, "Sherry Home." So, Nicholena answers:

"Hi, is this Sherry?"
"Uhhmm, yes it is," Sherry says, sounding quite confused.
"Oh, good! My husband and I just found your phone outside of a Target," Nicholena replies.
"Okay..." Sherry responds, still sounding confused.
"Yeah, I just talked to your boyfriend and he said he would call you at home," explains Nicholena.
"Oh," she says, sounding somewhat surprised, still very befuddled. "Okay..."

I don't think Sherry's boyfriend ever called her. For one, Sherry called very shortly after we talked to her boyfriend. She was probably just trying to find her phone, not even expecting anyone to pick up. Which is why she sounded so confused and surprised.

Nicholena and Sherry go on to set up a meeting place to return her the phone (I guess Sherry was afraid to give out her address to us, which is fair). So, we meet at some big church, in the parking lot. We pull up next to Sherry's car (she told Nicholena on the phone that she drove some gold SUV thing), and she gets out and walks over to me (I'm in the passenger seat). She looks to be in her mid-to-late 30s, maybe 40. She is sort of pretty for her age. I open the door and hold up the phone for her to see. She smiles and says:

"Oh my god, thank you so much!"
I say, "Oh, no problem!" as warmly as I can.
She breathes a sigh of relief when I hand her the phone. "Do you want me to buy you guys a couple'a drinks or something?"
"Oh, no, we're fine, thank you!"
"All right. Well thank you again! This is, like, my life right here!" she says, holding up her cell phone.
"Word, yeah,"I respond, idiotically. "Well, if you happen to get a call from a Todd Bain, it's because we called him, trying to find you, and we left a message explaining what happened and stuff, okay?"
She nods and smiles and says, "That's my step-son. I'll let him know I got my phone back."
"Okay, well have a good night!" we say.
"Okay thank you! You too!" And she gets in her car and drives away.

And everything was fine...

But, then Nicholena and I got to thinkin'...

Wait a minute. "Step-son?" I thought she had a boyfriend. I mean, we talked to him. Well, okay maybe it's just her boyfriend's kid. But...no...no, wait a minute. Her step-son's name is Todd Bain. Todd Bain. Her last name is Bain too. Which means, in all likelihood, for her step-son to share her last name, she would have to have married his father. Which would mean she has a husband.

But, she has a boyfriend too????? Is this bitch cheatin'!?!?!?!?

So, we thought about it and it makes sense:

1.) Sherry has just about every person she's ever met catalogued in her cell phone's address book. But, her boyfriend's number isn't listed??? As you may recall from earlier in this story, when her boyfriend called, his name did not show up. Just a number. Considering she has so many people in her phone, you'd think she'd have her boyfriend listed.

2.) Right after Nicholena got off the phone with Sherry, she told me that Sherry seemed very freaked out when Nicholena told her that she had just talked to Sherry's boyfriend. Might she be freaked out because no one is supposed to know about this boyfriend? Possibly...

3.) Again, her step-son's last name is the same as hers. Now, I know that this could be because of a variety of things (maybe she's recently divorced, maybe she divorced the dad but kept the last name, maybe she just happens to have the same last name, etc.), but none of those things seem quite as likely to me, especially in light of the two aforementioned reasons.

So, yeah, anyway...I did a good deed. But, was I helping some cheating broad? I guess I'll never know.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

My Teeth Are Fucked Up

So, I guess I have to have some dental work done. Like, some serious dental work.

Basically, when I was a kid (like, before sixth grade), I brushed my teeth regularly. I didn't like it, but my mom usually made sure that I did it when I got up in the mornings and when I went to bed. See, she did what (I think) Moms are supposed to do: take care of you by making sure you're taking care of yourself. She did a very good job of it.

But, then one day my parents got divorced. Boo hoo, right? Anyway, my mom left and I lived with my dad from sixth grade through out of high school. He did what (I think) Dads are supposed to do: put a roof over your head & put food on the table. I mean, I'm pretty sure he loved/loves me, but that doesn't mean he's gonna make sure I'm brushing my fucking teeth every day. So, about the time my parents got divorced, I stopped brushing my teeth as frequently. And this went extremely unnoticed. For a very long time.

Fast forward to a couple of years ago, when I started noticing my teeth were hurting and breaking and sometimes even falling out. I had/have a fuck-ton of cavities. Anyone who knows anything about anyone in The Sailing, knows that all four of us...we love our snacks. And I have loved snacks for quite a long time. But, I have not loved brushing my teeth.

So, like, a week ago I had a three-day toothache extravaganza that basically forced me into scheduling a dentist appointment. I have had less dentist appointments in my life than there are fingers on my hands, easily. So this was a pretty momentous occasion. So, yesterday, I went to my appointment. My dentist, he's a real nice guy, but he told me some really shitty news and that's:

I HAVE TO HAVE FIVE (5) FILLINGS AND NINE (9) TEETH REMOVED.

So, I'm like...wait...what? And basically, it boils down to the fact that I have ignored my teeth for a ridiculously long time and am now going to pay the price. So, my first reaction is: well, how am I going to eat? And Dr. Jonson tells me, "Well, we would replace the teeth." And I'm like, "With what?" And he says, "With partials." And I'm like, "What are partials?" And he's like, "Well...partial dentures."

Wwwwwwwhhhhhhhaaaaaaattttttt???????

So yeah, apparently they would salvage the teeth that can be salvaged by giving them fillings (tooth-colored fillings no less so it doesn't look like I'm chewin' on tin foil), and then remove three baby teeth (yes, baby teeth...I still have three...sigh...), and then remove the six teeth that I guess are too fucked up with cavities too repair. The ones they would remove are all molars/back teeth so I mean, I wouldn't look like a fucking hockey player or anything. But, I would have to be without those teeth for about "three or four months."

Wwwwwwwhhhhhhhaaaaaaattttttt???????

Yeah, I guess I have to, like, chew with my bicuspids & incisors and shit. For "three or four months." Geez... Anyway, after all that's done they will make a mold of my teeth or something and then create new molars for me and then I guess it just fits into my mouth and latches on to some teeth that will actually still be there. And it holds in place apparently. Because the last thing I need is for my fucking grill to fly out of my mouth while I'm singing "The Funeral Dancer" on stage, know what I mean? So yeah, they'll make two of these "partials" (one for the top half of my mouth and one for the bottom) and then I'll have a bunch of new teeth.

The price for all this dental work is simply stunning and I don't wish to imagine it any further.

I've been brushing my teeth regularly for about a year and a half...maybe even two years now. But, clearly it's too little too late. If only my fervor for snacks could've been matched by a fervor for dental hygiene. Damn... So yeah, there you have it. Eventually, Tech Honors, vocalist of The Sailing, will have dentures. But, I don't think I'll call them that. I think I'll just call them "partials." But, at least I'll be able to chew properly again, right?

I'm actually a lot more upset and hurt inside than I am letting on, but nobody likes a crybaby. Besides, it's my own damn fault. So, instead I'll just laugh and make fun of the whole situation.

That's the true The Sailing way.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Way Too Long For Anyone To Read

Well, I certainly can't allow James to be the only band member who updates his blog, so I thought I'd post.

I moved out of the apartment and into the new pad w/ Nicholena & Gus. And, it's kinda rough. The living situation is just difficult because we took over the house in very bad condition and we have to sorta repair it and shit, but it's sort of a painfully slow process. We were without a fridge, stove, oven, or internet for awhile.

But, over teh weekendz we got a fridge and dem innernettes!
Still no oven or stove, but...in due time, right?

Anyway, we finally got the PS2 hooked up and the SNES too. I was in the middle of Final Fantasy VIII (James and I are beating all the Final Fantasys in numerical order - I'm on 8, he's on 5! Teehee!) & Grandia II (a jRPG a girl from work is letting me borrow), when we moved. But, living in this house... I just feel very unsettled. And I feel like it's too stressful to play two 40 hrs. RPGs living in an unsettled environment. So to fill the void for now, I've been playing NBA 2K7. "LOL," I know. But, I've been getting back into basketball really hard recently (both NBA & NCAA...March Madness anyone???) and so I went through and updated all the rosters to their current lineups (which took, like, seven fucking hours) and even created about 20 rookies from this year that aren't in that game that I thought were important. So, yeah, that's been fun.

I painted w/ my blood. I have two canvases with my blood sprayed all over them. It's pretty bad art (I can't paint), but the important thing is that I PAINTED WITH MY BLOOD. Guess I thought it was pretty hard. Wish I could say it was from my wrists or something. Nope. Just my nose. Really fucking horrible nosebleed.

Damn Sailzorz have been writing some new stuff. We finished one song (minus lyrics), and it sounds really great. Real heavy, real dreamy. I think the biggest differences between the songs on The Infinity Gate and the songs that we wrote afterward is that the newer stuff is:

a.) A lot more dissonant, but also,
b.) A lot more jagged. I would say angular, but then I'd feel like I was comparing us to Bloc Party or something.

I really like our new stuff a lot, but some of the songs (most of the songs) are kinda long. Now, I have absolutely no problems w/ long songs, but a part of me is very in love with pop music. A very large part of me, in fact. So I have this super strong desire to create really great pop songs, and I think that the rest of the band kind of does too (particularly Gus). But, I dunno... Like, we've gotten very into metal lately (Mastodon, Amon Amarth, Rhapsody, etc.) & video game music, which is almost always instrumental (Final Fantasy XI soundtrack), and those "genres" don't make particularly good influences on pop music. So, when we were working on this song I wrote a while back, at practice the other day (a very straightforward verse/bridge/chorus kinda song)... I dunno... It just didn't come together very well. Which is frustrating, because I really do think it's a good song, but I sort of get the feeling that it's not a good song for The Sailing.

Which brings me to my final point: I have a lot of songs written at this point that are unused. I believe a lot of them to be good, but I feel sort of awkward about using them for The Sailing. I mean, by no means do I doubt my bandmates' ability to enhance the songs. But, I feel like they would enhance them in a way in which I did not intend them to be. Like, they would make it sound good, but just not the way I want them to sound. So does that make me selfish? I really don't like trying to direct the band to make one of my songs sound a certain way because:

a.) it makes me feel like I'm a controlling jerk,
b.) I feel like it makes them disinteresed in writing the song, which in turn makes me feel embarassed that I even brought the song to the table to begin with, and
c.) I don't know how to write bass lines and drum parts and shit as well as they do. So while I want to give them creative freedom because I know they'll do better than I can do, I fear they'll write something that conflicts with the way I actually want the song to sound.

So I have a musical outlet for selfish purposes that I call Starmap (James' is HCMJ). I think it's healthy for me to have this because it allows me to "vent" my control issues. But, I get confused as to what I should keep for Starmap and what I should reserve for The Sailing. I mean, we have a rule in the band that anything written for a side project is up for grabs for The Sailing too, but I have almost three albums worth the songs that I have all figured out in my head (one's a concept album/rock opera about having multiple personalities, one's like a soundtrack to a Super Nintendo game that I made up, and the other is a straightforward pop album), and I feel like I wanna reserve some of that material only for Starmap. But, I feel like that's a bad thing, a selfish thing. And I also feel like some of the songs are actually good enough to be The Sailing songs, I'm just afraid they'll come out sounding different than I want them to. I don't like feeling like this.

If you read all that, thank you.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Moving & Headache Chocolate Boxtots

So, I'm moving. Like, to a new house. There was much debate as to what house I (we)(=)(Nicholena)(=)(my wife) was going to be moving into, but now I know. We shall be moving into Gus' parents' house. But, ya see, his parents donut live there. But, Gus will be there. And Rachel (kinda). A walk in the park it will not be, however, young Sailbits. It's not particularly livable right now. It's missing key features such as: stove/oven, refrigerator, modern wiring and the like. But, we'll fix it up right, eh? A?

Nicholena (Nacho-bean-a) & I have many a bill to pay off. Roughly $18,000 worth. Almost all credit card bullshit. Fuckin' weak, amirite?

Amirite???
Ormyrong???

So, we're gonna take the next year or so to pay dat shit off by staying with Gus and fixin' up the house and not paying a significant amount of rent. Buthowmahgonnagettawork??? Skyline Chile am too far away for me to walk to now.

SO I GOTTA LEARN HOW TO RIDE A BIKE!!!

Gus says it's a 30 minute bike ride from *new house* to Skyline. And you know what? I believe him. I, for one, believe him.

In other news...

Am Sailz am swerkin' on a new song. It's in its infancy. Like, we had to put it in an incubator b4 we left band practice. Then we left...and out into the white madness we fled. Thank you, February. Thank you, you stupid tramp of a month.
NOTAFANOFWINTERCANYATELL?
JAMESISISISISISISZZZ.

I:
Have a headache. It's pounding.
Ate some chocolate. Nicholena made up a new fantasy job class - The Chocolatier.
Am a sleepy bear. Sleepy-time Stathes.

*Sigh* I think I gotta pack or something.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

I guess I'll just...

Okay...this is it!